Muddled Musings....

Oops!It happened again
When i was trying to avoid the pain
Talking straight,its not my style
Atleast i have believed so for a while
My silence kills the rapid chatter
Of my own confused grey matter
Just when i let it go
It came back at me,like a foe
I wonder whats wrong
I can no longer hear my own song
I feel,act and do things
Not like i used to,it now rings
On an unexpected night with breeze
Questions!!! my facade unfreeze
I thought i was at peace
Fooled myself,with my acting ease
Questions they hurt me now
Answers to them,find do i how
Wish i could open out
But the pressure within is too tout
Sometimes its those undieing wounds
My wings to myself it bounds
I wish i could talk
Importantly walk the walk
I wish i could find reasons
Not just stuff, my ego pleasen
I wish i was my stupid self
Not act like a learned elf
I wish i came through
And never as care about rue
I know the consequences too
The pain,it would not be new
Then i choose to be what i was
And let that uneasy moment pass
I wish i could fly away far from here
But then to take on the radars of my boat, steer
Is something i have refused to do all my life
And the agony of it now sounds rife
To row my boat and set sail
To where i dream even if i fail
I look to right and then left
Into my boat with my own tears wet
I wonder where is the thing i seek
Then onto the depths of me i take a peek
Ah!What a mess has it been
Cluttered my soul with things unseen
Do all of us need a goal to lead
From where we are,finally to death heed
Do i have a map to the destination i seek
The destination?!I ask myself meek
There was a time long time ago
With dreams,goodness,optimism and no woe
I dreamed of the empire i wished to create
With bated breath for this year i did wait
Now i faintly want to remember my dreams
With realities of life,fear clouds it seems
Time to clear myself i say
Back the oars onto the boat i lay
Now,again time will make its own way
Take me somewhere it chooses today
And the viscious cycle would go on
I dont want that to happen
I dont want to sit back and watch
And not count my chickens before they hatch
I want to dream tonight
Stand up for them when time right
I want to follow my heart
And try to, for a start
Tomorrow the dawn will come
Away from the questions i wont run
Face them for speaking from heart and not fun
And accept whatever it bring
And life would go on...........
...............
I dont know yet i say
Inside and outside what lay
But this time around,i would own
The oars of my boat and row
To the heights of the sky or sea below
Either way i would tell myself
I tried!